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It’s too late to apologise, it’s too late!’ sings a man on the radio and this thought struck me deep and I wonder if sometimes, having a perfect relationship is as elusive as trying to grasp air.
Are some sins unforgivable? Or aptly put, are some relationships beyond repairs?
Take Lillian for example, she gave her twin sons up for adoption, lived a life stoned twenty-four hours a day, then miraculously, her life changed positively. She met and married a nice gentleman who loved and adored her.
But there was a problem, Lillian didn’t tell her new husband about her past, her twin sons were conveniently forgotten. But like a sour thumb, some secrets can’t stay hidden forever. Twenty years later, the twins are grown up, knew they were adopted and wanted answers.
By now, she had other kids, and by the time the truth came out, her husband of twenty years was appalled his wife could forget to mention that she had kids! The sons weren’t that forgiving either, they wanted answers.
This kind of story happens every day, and you may say – there are worse things out there and I agree, but is it too late for Lillian? If you were in her shoes, what would you do? If you were in her son’s shoes, what would be your reaction? And if your were Lillian’s husband, would just pack your bags and leave?
These questions are not easy to answer, but I would love to know what you guys think!
On a lighter note, I wished I’d seen the eclipse of the sun yesterday, it’s one in a lifetime event, but I didn’t, so life goes on I guess! And Nanowrimo is live, but I’m afraid I would not be doing that this year, got too much on my plate as it is.
I received the edited version of my upcoming thriller today and boy, was I thrilled? It was great! I can’t wait to hold the book in my hands…
Hope you’ll read it too when it’s out guys! Counting on you!! 😉
I’m afraid I can only blog once a week now until Christmas, but I’ve been visiting blogs as often as I could, if I’ve not visited yours for a while, please bear with me, I’ll definitely pop in soon! 🙂
I’m moving house soon and coupled with my book and other office related deadlines, I’ve got my hands full. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas (my kids are already making their lists! 😦 ) Can you believe that?
Anyway, enough rambling! I hope you’re all okay, and I wish you’ll all have a wonderful week, wherever you are in the world!
Much love, always! 🙂
A relationship built on lies is no relationship. I would have told her to go. I would have spoken the twins and explained that I never knew about them, and I would never want her to see our kids again. After all, if she could forget her first kids easily, she should be able to do the same with her new ones.
People who forget about their kids do not deserve them. It doesn’t matter that she was stoned 24/7. The first thing she should have done, should have been to tell her new gent that she had kids, but they were taken off of her because of her bad patch she went through. And she should have tried to find some way to contact them.
Sorry, I am rather opinionated about that kind of thing.
You have nothing to be sorry for Alastair because you’re absolutely right! A woman who could forget her own children cannot be trusted. And how would you even know that she’s not hiding any other secrets? I understand your point of view… I wish life is so simple but it’s not.
Thanks for stopping by old friend, it’s appreciated!
It’s something that I am sort of starting to deal with at the moment. My kids’ mother has no interest in them any more. Well, except to babysit for her new baby, and when I told her that if her husband ever did again what he did a few months ago (that I found out about last week) that she never ever see her kids again. Her response? I can understand that. If I had been married and my partner did what her husband did, he would be out of the door … or window which ever is closer.
I’m so sorry to hear that! It’s actually sad and annoying in such situations, the only way to deal with this is diplomacy. Unfortunately, some women could be manipulative and controlling, and some men too. Basically, I reckon it’s a human thing.
You’re such a gentle soul Al, but also firm and doesn’t tolerate any nonsense.I hope you’re okay though.
The window would have been great!
Sorry, would have replied your comment since but my internet has been playing up, I’ll have to call Sky tomorrow!
My love to Kester and her sis!
Thank you Seyi. I sent you an email explaining and you’ll see why my daughter had to tell me to calm down before I spoke to their mother. The last time I felt anger like that was when the woman I was living with called my daughter a sl*t. She was 12 at the time.
I hope Sky sort it out quickly. If not, tell them you’ll move to BT or Virgin. Don’t say TalkTalk, they know no one would be that daft lol
I’ve read the email, and I’m glad you heeded your daughter’s counsel. And I support you absolutely!! Such situations should not be condoned!!! It’s such a dicey situation and I understand your concern…
If I were in your position, I would do the same thing!
I’ll speak to Sky tomorrow, hopefully, you’ll see this reply.
Take care Al and have a great night rest!
Thanks 🙂 Hope you slept well and have joy with Sky
This situation happens a lot !!! I was adopted and found my birth mother, she was a widow by the time I found her, but she had never told her husband about me, or the other daughter she had given up that we found out about later when she found the family !! I thought I was the only surprise !!!
It sure sounds like you are going to be very busy in the coming months , but sounds like exciting changes and other exciting things that will keep you busy !! I wish you the best on both your move and your book !! Enjoy the holidays, I do not think anyone can believe they are already here !!!
I’m so so sorry to hear this! I don’t even know what to say… It would be devastating, and I hope you’ve moved on!
Yes I’m very busy, and I agree with you, it’s exciting!! I also want to appreciate your visit, I’ll pop by yours soon!
Much love. 🙂
Oh I am fine , it was long ago !! I found her back in 1988 and she was open to meeting me Her husband had passed but she did admit she had never told him because she was afraid to. From what my siblings told me at the time he was not a nice man. I kept touch with her and my siblings for a while but back then long distance was expensive and she had relocated many years ago to another state so I eventually lost touch with all of them. It really bothered my adopted mother as well, so no regrets , I do think of them from time to time but I have a great life and would not have the life I have if not for her giving me up and my parents adopting me. I am very happy with all I have and the choices the adults in my infant life made !!! I am very blessed !!! xoxo
Oh, I’m glad you’ve moved on… such great outlook to life. Some other people in your position would be bitter, angry and sad. But like you said, your adoptive parents made good choices! I’m so happy for you my dear friend!!
You’re blessed indeed!!
Much love. 🙂
Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.
Thanks for the RT Jueseppi!
This is a common occurence, you see women forgetting their kids in a hurry because of a new fella! Such is life!! Great post, we eagerly await the release of your book! We’re all excited here at Arrow Gate! Good luck Seyi.
The truth will out!
Exactly, thanks for stopping by, had internet prob would have replied sooner!
Hi Seyi Sandra!
It’s so easy to give my opinion on this because it’s not my situation.
But – I do think that Lillian should have said something about her twins & past drugged state before saying her I Dos. This is not a “little” lie. It’s a big lie – one that got bigger with each passing day. Not sure how I would react to this as the spouse, first children or second children. I think I would be disappointed & hurt though.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. Don’t forget to take a few breathers every now & again.
I certainly have a lot going on dear Rosy! And to add to it, my internet just packed up on me, I’m still having sporadic connection. I’m glad you stopped by, and if I were Lillian’s spouse, I wouldn’t trust her again!
I’ll pop over to yours soon!
I think I would just come clean with my new husband and kids. I would ask for forgiveness and share with them that I Ioved them -that’s why I gave them up….so that they could have a good life and a promising future. What a thought-provoking story.
Exactly, that’s what she should have done. I’m sorry for just replying now, my internet packed on me, till now, I’m just having intermittent connection. Thanks for stopping by and have a great week!
Much love. 🙂
Beautiful story Seyi. I think it’s such a pressure to tell off and to settle with all the truth to the new fellow. I don’t know how a mother could put aside her children. Would she pull on with fear and feeling for her kids. If that lady was me and liked the guy so much even, I wouldn’t share the bed with him. The faces of my children would pop on my head every minute.
So this lady could forget then how much more would she love their 2 pair of kids. Truth be told, I have known few people who never worried for their loss and felt absolutely comfortable with their life. I think there’s something lacking in them; human values I guess.
Thanks dear friend and I agree with you absolutely. Some people are just built differently. I’m sorry for just replying now, I had, and still have a massive problem with my internet. I hope you’ll have a great week!
Me too, the once a week blogging. I also have an adoption blog. My children and my brother are all adopted. So I’ve read lots of stories about adoption and about reunions when the children are adults. This is why secrets about this stuff are not good. And why should a human being’s existence be a secret? Really awful. However, it’ s never too late. She needs to fess up and let the chips fall. Eventually things will right themselves as well as they are going to, all depending on the personalities involved.
Thanks Luanne for stopping by, with your background in adoption, you’re able to give an unbiased view on Lillian. I wonder how she would cope though she seems to be struggling now, her husband and kids are not too keen to forgive her and it’s understandable. But hopefully, they’ll come around eventually. I apologise for my late reply, my internet has been misbehaving for almost a week now, I’m just having sporadic connection.
Hope you’ll have a great week!
It is a tough question. But all parties are adults and hopefully intelligent. A sit down and allow the mother/wife share her reasoning. Maybe her grief in having given up her children was overwhelming and she suppressed the memory. Her husband if he loves her should be willing to listen and be supportive. The twins want answers. Hopefully they had good parents who raised them. People in this type of situation are able to get past the pain. I have two cousins who live close to this senerio. Contests on your book. Best wishes withyour sales. And all the best with all your endeavors.
Thanks for your insightful comment dear friend, Lillian appeared to be struggling though I envision her family would pull through. I’m sorry for just replying now, had problems with my internet connection! I appreciate your visit!
Have a great week.
Good question Seyi but very sad situations here. I’m glad you are moving house, I get excited for new things 🙂
All I have to say is sometimes,it’s easier to leave the past in the past, especially when the sorrow and shame is so deep, the person has not grown enough to forgive themselves for their past lives.
we must always remember giving birth to a child does not make a mother. It takes a connection of spirits and an acceptance of this bond to endear people to anyone or anything. The example of the twin mother you gave is sad and I think the woman in question is not cold and full of secrets, she simply slipped into a happier place,because perhaps the shame of the past was too much to bear or forgive.
I would try to know her reasons and hope something bigger than us both carves a way forward, if I was either the husbands or kids.
Abandoning and distance from her will only prolong sorrow in all concerned. Good luck with everything dear and looking forward to the book 🙂
Thanks my dear Dotta, it’s hectic now but I’m certain I’ll take a breather soon. I’m also sorry for just replying now, I’ve been having a few issues with my internet. Your comment on Lillian’s story was interesting, and supportive. If I were her spouse, I’ll be mad and it would take me a while to trust her again, but with love, there’s always forgiveness. And like you rightly said, there must be a cogent reason for such action!
I’m looking forward to your reading my book. 🙂
Have a great week my friend!!
Much love. 🙂
This is the ostrich approach – we believe that by sticking your head in the sand – then nothing being discovered – someone can live a lie (sometimes for life) until they are revealed others can not – I will not spend energy on a lie because it develops often, so I try to always be honest with myself – but it can also provide “beatings”… 🙂 😉
Ha-ha! You’re so right Ledrake, the ostrich is a funny bird. Thanks for your kind comment, and I apologise for my late reply, have been having problems with my internet connection.
Have a great week!
If I discovered my wife had given up a kid for adoption long ago and not told me, I can’t say I”d be bothered. It’s a personal tragedy maybe, but not a revelation like “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”–something that tells me she is/was a horrible person (getting pregnant and giving up the baby doesn’t rise to that level. Surprised yet, but I don’t think there’s anything to forgive.
Of course when I was a kid, people could reasonably assume that once the kid was adopted, it was done, you wouldn’t see him/her again. For better or worse, the attitude seems to have changed a lot today.
It has and even though I understand your point, I personally, would feel I can’t trust him again. It’s a human being we’re talking about here. That doesn’t mean I’ll divorce him, but we’ll have to go through a lot for that marriage to survive! Thanks for your opinion and for stopping by, I appreciate it!
It has, the attitude today is, even from the perspective of the kid, he/she would want to know why they were given up, a whole lot of questions. But I understand your point of view and appreciate your stopping by!
You know, what this happened to the mother-in-law of a dear friend. She neglected to tell her husband of a two previous kids she had and when later the kids came back searching for their mother, her husband divorced her for withholding the truth.
Congrats on the new book and enjoy your new home. I moved into mine only on Sunday and I’m still tired from all the packing and unpacking!
That’s so sad, she shouldn’t have withhold the truth! Thanks Celestine, I’m dreading the packing, but anticipating it all the same, we would be moving at the end of the month. I hope you’ve settled in perfectly. I appreciate your visit!
Have a great week!
Much love. 🙂
Ooof! Hectic times indeed, I hope they are on the less hectic side of hectic when all is said and done. I shall be reading your book…I love a good book me, as you have have guessed.
as to your life conundrum…well, I think that communication is the key to anything…if Lillian’s husband listens to her reasons for why she did what she did and her thoughts at the time and then everyone else listens and talks it out, I am a firm – or naive? – believer that most things can be worked out or at least adjusted to.
Yeah Ste J, very hectic indeed! I can’t wait to see you tuck in to my book dear friend, and I think (and hope) you’ll like it!
On Lillian’s story, I know you’re right! Talking it over can certainly help, at least, it’s the first start and you’re not naïve but practical. Most problems in the world could be resolved by that – talking. I apologise for my late response, I’m (still) having problems with my internet connection. I hope you’ll have a wonderful week.
I am always patient my friend, these days I have trouble keeping up and I don’t have any majorly pressing engagements at the moment. I hope your week goes great too, my friend.
Judging generally not my way. I try not to go that way and often succeed. A target to aim at at least.
You’re right Ben, thanks for stopping by all the same!
There is no relationship based on lies that stands the test of time. Like pregnancy, it can’t be hidden forever. Forgiveness, however, is necessary, but it takes more than the human strength to do so. There are certain things that will forever be etched in the memories of the victim and perpetrator.
Wish you the best and look forward to your book publication. My regards to your kids.
Thanks my brother. I’m grateful for your kindness!
You’ve summarised it all, time reveals secrets, whether we like it or not! Thanks for your wise comment!!
Have a great week dear brother.
Maybe the woman never forgave herself?
O. Hobart Mowrer, the psychologist, set himself to understand more deeply our hollowed-out emotional lives. He noted that, commonly, when we perform a good deed, we advertise it, display it, draw attention to it, at least hint at it, hoping to collect on the emotional credit of it. But when we do something cheap, evil or stupid, we hide it, deny it, minimize it. But the emotional discredit from that stays with us and even accumulates with each further hypocrisy. This is how we make ourselves chronically empty in conscience and heart. Our lives are required of us, and we are found wanting. No felt “net worth.” Lost confidence, pizzazz. Our positive energies are depleted by fugitive concealing.
Then Mowrer wondered, What if we reversed our strategy? What if we admitted our weaknesses, owned up to our failures, named our idiot-moments, confessed our follies, errors and debts, and also hid away from everyone’s view our smart ideas, heroic sacrifices, kind deeds, charities and virtues? What if, instead of throwing back at the other guy his worst failure while trotting out our own best moment, we put up our worst against his best? What then? Our hearts might start filling up.
Hmmmmm, this is powerful Ike, powerful! Had no other words to add to it! Thanks for stopping by!
Early warnings may sometimes sway, but now his wife’s a challenge. Though from the small foray into the story you’ve done on here, he still loves her for the challenge, but I think it will be a testy one. Also, we don’t know what his background is, the things he went through, how he interprets his world, and the world around him. Here in the 20s, 30, 40s, 50s, 60s, & 70s, if the government deemed a mother to be unfit to raise a child, particularly those without fathers, they were often taken by force, and then sent to orphanages, and other institutions, some were also often convinced by relatives to give up their children to such places too. Often in some cases mothers would seek out their children again early on after they were taken away, but would come up against the bureaucracy, and be denied regardless of their fit state, or not. Time and time again ta mother would try, but eventually time forced them to move on with their lives. So my thought is early on Lillian may of attempted to regain her children into her care, but the system beat her at every turn. I’ve an aunt whom became a ward of the state, and spent all her years before adulthood in an orphanage, a child of the depression era, without a father, though she was given up (her mother convinced by her parents (from memory)), not taken by force. I think Lillian’s son will feel a bit of a mix, but it all depends on how he was raised, and his exposure orphans, or children that have been adopted, his best friend may even be one that has gone through such circumstance, and systems. But you’ve plenty to play with, what ever direction you go Sandra… Have a good week, cheers
Thanks Sean, it’s been a very hectic week indeed, and I love your take on Lillian’s story. Her husband clearly loves her but undecided on what to do. He’s angry and confused, the children are raving mad at the knowledge that their existence were kept a secret.
It’s not a warm environment but I reckon they would pull through. It’s a common and sad story as you’ve rightly described.
Thanks for your visit, I’ve been having sporadic internet connection… and it has affected my work in more ways than one. I’ll pop by yours soon.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Hope the connection is back in line 🙂 The children will get over it, and confusion will only last as long as you’re willing to let it, so if he starts moving forward, at least some answers will follow. 🙂
I don’t think it’s too late. She might not be able to compensate her kids for the love they needed but they’ll grow up to become tolerant and will never do what their mother did. You have a very nice blog. I’ll sure come back to read more. Have a wonderful day. 🙂